The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
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ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?