Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
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Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.