I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
english majors be like furthermore