Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
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Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
LOL
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said