I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
where’s Godzilla when we need him
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.