My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: