Why do meteors always land in craters?
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.