According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
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Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳