It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Netflix: We have Less
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.