Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
You Might Also Like
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time