I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime