is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual