hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
All. The. Damn. Time.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?