I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
You Might Also Like
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?