[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster