Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.