Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.