Sorry. Not sorry
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Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.