[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
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Waiting for the Charmin
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
notice
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten