“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Selfie
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Breaking news:
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter