Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Steam Forums
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation