No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”