The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
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tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
🖤✌🏽
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty