Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
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Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
i’m laughing very hard in real life