If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*