I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.