“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute