Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
You Might Also Like
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….