[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
They’re the worst 😩
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
This makes total sense…
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”