I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
#SaturdayBears
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going