Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
s
oc
i
a
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When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.