ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.