if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
one of
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio