3% human
97% stress
You Might Also Like
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.