Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.