Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Finally!
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
where’s Godzilla when we need him
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.