There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe