Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
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My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My ideal weight is five million dollars
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Basketball
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.