I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.