Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
You Might Also Like
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
OH. COME. ON.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
also my go-to takeaway order
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
when revenge coincides with naptime
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*