My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Cat is stressing him out.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.