People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.