Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
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My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
⛄️
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.