[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Breaking news:
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home