If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*