[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.