[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.