Children of the corn 🌽
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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to