I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
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DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
😏😏😏
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.