I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn